Temujin Spottings
In recent news, the elusive Temujin of West Coast Chaos has been spotted raiding refrigerators for beer and leftovers. If you find this man in your house, do not approach him as he can be very dangerous, especially when cornered. It is currently unknown if he's had his rabies shots. This is the most recent picture, taken outside my house two days ago. He turned only to glare for a few seconds before scampering off into the darkness.
DO NOT BE FOOLED BY HIS "PITY ME, I JUST HAD HERNIA SURGERY" LOOK!! IT HAS BEEN REPORTED THAT HE'S BITTEN SEVERAL AREA RESIDENTS AND EVEN HARASSED FAMILY PETS.
The best thing we can do for this creature is to call pest control so they can tranquillize and release him back into his natural habitat. Though dangerous, he is a fragile character and has many fears. If you find yourself in his presence, arm yourself with a rubber band, raw vegetables, pocket Aces, Captain Morgans Spiced Rum, or a long tube that might resemble a catheter (any straw will do) until the proper authorities arrive.
Indications that you may have had him in your house include: fridge left slightly open, crumbs on the counter, beer cans under the coffee table, missing toilet seat covers, cheap beer left lying around, half drank hard liquor, oh, and pizza left without the toppings.
Thank you for your time, you have been warned!
6 Comments:
You are my favourite person right now. I've never laughed so hard in all my life.
You forgot to mention the toilet seat cover mysteriously disappearing...
I am pretty sure we've had this dangerous, yet fragile, creature in our house on several occasions. Fridge left slightly open - Yes. Crumbs on the counter and on the floor right beside the leather chair where he like to sit - Yes; not to mention greasy finger prints left on the glass of the coffee table from eating the pizza toppings. Beer cans under the coffee table,as well as cheap beer left lying around, and half drank hard liquor - Yes. He did not like our toilet seat covers very much, oh, but he did harass our most precious family member/pet; moreover, he bit HALF of his tail off. And one more thing, his perception of poker is distorted. WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!
Hey! I never raised my son to be a beer-guzzling, messy, pizza-topping thief!
But now I know why the toilet seast cover always went missing though! Thanks Beaner and Jenya!
Hey come on now, stop making fun of the guy. Clearly you are jealous of his vast intellect and superior poker skillz.
And he certainly doesn't drink cheap beer.
He closed his hand tightly around my neck before pressing the hole in his head to the hole in my head. When he was done he let out a triumphant sigh before slamming me down on the table and then discarding me in a well hidden wooden area so no one would discover me for days. I was frightened, alone, and empty inside. I have never felt cheaper.
It's not cheap. But it sure doesn't taste very well!
And the poker skills wizardry is mine!
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